Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person and One Ray of Sunshine | Or My Twitter Year
This post is to help depressed people. If you don’t know anyone who needs help this holiday with depression, please just go give money to a charity, count your blessings, and enjoy your day. Click away.
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I’m sure you wake in the mornings and have a million thoughts swirling in your head. Perhaps you run to your computer and write them down before the bits of wisdom flit away. This past year, I wanted to blog in the mornings, but I got waylaid “just checking” my Twitter stream.
My Twitter stream has a darker side in the Direct Messages, DMs. I alluded to my underlying black stream, but not many picked up on the misery. Which is really a good thing for you and for me, too. Yesterday, I even told the world “I need a psychiatrist.” Tweeted right out. I wanted drugs. I wanted a whole bottle or bottles of drugs. I was mad that my kids threw away all of my daughter Sara’s prescription drugs. I just know there were enough left to end this misery. I seriously though of ways I could end the pain. My dad blew his brains out, but my brother (the ex-judge who stole $324,000 from me and who lives happily with his wife without a bit of remorse), got all the guns and rifles. I couldn’t drive my beautiful car off the mountain when my kids could use the car. I couldn’t go to the hospital with no insurance.
What did I do? I spent the day with friends on Twitter. Some were true offline friends whom I know in person. Others were new friends I just met. What amazed me was the true caring nature of all. And why was this so therapeutic? Psychologists and psychiatrists may already know this, but most people don’t know. Twitter friends don’t tell you what to do. They offer diversion, tips to make money, try to sell you stuff–some good and some redundant, and make you laugh. Twitter people (tweeple or tweeps) share inspirational links to videos, articles, and blogs.
Besides hanging out at Twitter, here are some tips to help depressed people this holiday season.
The suicide 800 number really has great people ready to help, even if you are not suicidal. 1-800-784-2433 (SUICIDE)
Four things you don’t say to a depressed grieving person:
- Don’t tell me it’s been insert time and it’s time to get over it. You don’t get over losing a child or your spouse. And, for some of us, the death scenes are so hard to erase.
- Don’t tell me you understand how I feel. If you are not (there is no word like widow for parent of dead child), you can NOT “know how it feels.”
- Don’t tell me to exercise. Go for a walk with me.
- Don’t try to give me therapy, counseling, religious scripture, or positive thinking strategies. I can find these on my own when I’m ready. I’m so mad at God that I want to hit you when you preach.
I’ll most likely think of more things that you shouldn’t say. May be I’ll add them or may be I’ll get on with my life. My real purpose in this is to help you understand so you can help someone else going through a difficult depression on Thanksgiving.
What to do for a depressed friend
Listen. Say, “That’s a lot for you to handle.” Ask if there is anything you can do to make their life easier.
This is the ONE thing that got me to stop crying. My daughter asked me if I could see a little light at the end of the tunnel where I could see myself helping others. She said that she could see me back up on stage talking about happiness again. Maybe not from an interior design psychology standpoint, but helping grieving parents or widows learn how to live. She got me to think about other people and to see something good from all this pain.
My point today for this Thanksgiving is for those of you who know someone going through a hard time, don’t just say the first thing that comes to mind. Absolutely no cliches like “I know what you’re going through” or “I understand.” Don’t preach. Just ask what you can do to help. Listen and then ask if your friend sees a light at the end of their tunnel and what is on the other side. When someone has hope, they can cope.
Sara Fisher
About my Twitter year: I know it has been longer than a year, but I don’t know where to find the day I joined Twitter. What I’d like to say is that, over the year many wonderful things have happened to me just from meeting people on Twitter. I’d like to share some of those special people with you, but I am afraid that I will forget names. Here’s a short list:
DrMani Thank you for sharing Haiti with me. How can I feel so sorry for myself when people have no homes and children have no parents? I realize I am a spoiled brat.
MariaParkinson More than a Twitter friend, a real sweetheart who came to help me turn Sara’s room from a medical center into a studio. Thank you for your comedy on Twitter, too.
90_angel Yes, Celeste is my real life niece. She also carries Twitter with her and pays attention to me when she’d rather be doing other things. I love you.
IanFHood Thank you for making me LOL and teaching me to ROTFL. Ian has been my Twit Bud since the beginning.
TraceyTarrent Thank you for taking the time to call me on the phone and listen. Your tweets just checking made me feel like someone really cares.
Lainiea I met Elaine in Haiti. Thank you for all the phone calls and little tweets of inspiration. We will build another house in Haiti!
inspiremetoday I met Gail offline, too. However, most of our communication has taken place on Twitter. Thank you for your daily inspirations! And, yes, I promise, we will do that interview.
mikekellydottv Thanks Mike for the video of you swimming in the cold Irish ocean. Made me laugh. And, thanks for the music!
TheDailyBlonde What can you say to a friend who gets kicked off Twitter for too many tweets? Thank you ever so much for keeping me laughing!
Cliff_VanKempen This is where business comes into play. I mentioned, in one little tweet, I was having trouble with 1SC. My troubles were not even 1SC’s doing. The bank closed my account when they found out my husband died. What a nightmare. [Play rescue music here.] Cliff messaged me within seconds and spent days helping me. Thank you!
SarahJL Thank you Sarah with an h for being a great support.
GiaBFreer What fun to meet you on Twitter and then have breakfast with you in Florida!
christinahills Thank you for introducing me to my first Tweetup! Seems so long ago, way before so many Internet marketers joined Twitter. (Took some awhile to learn how to join the conversation instead of just tweeting sales pages, didn’t it?)
kestrachern Betcha get a surprise seeing your id here when you have such a low profile. Thank you for reaching out to help a lady in technology trouble.
jim_turner You once told me I was one of your first Twitter contacts. I’ve been watching you expand your network and see you doing everything just right on Twitter– a balance of business and friendship.
Fabulous Twitter Women
These are Just a few of the special women who helped me over the last year. Thank you for your kindness, tips, words of inspiration, and laughter!
sugarjones
MaggieDammit
michellecheetah
SmartWoman
debbiemahler
michelletrent
jantallent
SashaKane
Fabulous Twitter Women who I know offline
DonnaFox Thank you for Istanbul fun and all your wisdom since.
CoachDeb I know everyone thinks you are the Queen of the Twitterverse, but to me you are the lovely lady with the adoring husband. Thanks for being an inspiration!
PamRagland Thanks for your Thought Shifting, kindness, and laughs. I look forward to working with you.
Drwright1 You are such an inspiration! Thank you for all your DMs!
WordPressWizard Cathy, thank you for being YOU and the Blog Queen, errr Wizard!
Fabulous Twitter Men who I know offline
ericfarewell Thanks for all the Starbucks and laughs. Call me when you need another ride in a convertible.
asaunders Oh wait, I don’t know you in person! Just feels like I do! Thanks for all the conference calls. My mornings aren’t the same without the regular 8AM Calliflower Call!
EdLovesSumo Thanks for your Twitter support, teleconference support, and seminar support. EdLovesSupport!
MarshallBailey I look forward to our next Starbuck’s table at any airport. Just love you and your family!
rickbutts Thanks for getting me to put my face instead of my eye on my picture. I did get a lot more followers! (Did I need more?)
davelakhani Thanks for the great seminar in Las Vegas and great dinner party. I never would have been there if not for Twitter!
WarrenWhitlock Oh, Mr Social Maverick! I see your name everywhere! It’s a pleasure to know you off and online and to work with you, too!
Twitter International friends I want to meet:
BobcatRock Thank you for sharing London with me.
sevendotzero Johnathan and I have grandparents from Denmark named Jensen. Whether or not we are blood relatives, after a year of tweets, I feel like we are Twitter family.
LouiseBJ I can’t wait for out Tweetup on Hayling Island… Great to have you for a friend.
lisisilveira What can I say, Lisi? You make me laugh and smile. Your exotic location motivates me to get back to work so I can come play on your gorgeous beach.
DDeeps Thank you for your friendship. I really feel silly for being such a crybaby with all that you have been through in Mubai, India.
and, finally… thank you Sheryl and Ken for reminding me that there are second chances. We will have fun next week on the beach in my old home town. So glad Ken’s mom lives in OC!
Please know that I didn’t intentionally leave anyone off my gratitude list. I had to write this fast. I need to go cook a Thanksgiving feast!
Thanksgiving Joy to YOU!
November 26th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
It’s an honor to have become your friend and a honor to be on a list of such caring people. Your burdens are our burdens. Love to you and your family. Every day your healing moves forward and when that light does come, we will all be here to bask in that beautiful sunshine through the best of times too. Peace and happiness to you and your family.
Vicki Flaugher
@SmartWoman
November 26th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Wow it must’ve been a tough day overall on the planet - two people called me crying today - one because her son was in the psych hospital for the past week and she needed to reach out to someone, and another sobbing because she had to cancel a meeting we had on Monday because her husband of 26 years served her at her office with divorce papers and she has to go to a divorce attorney since there is some type of pre-trial on Wednesday. All I could say was that I’ll be there for them - this is why we’re on the planet now together - to back each other up in times like this. Life is tough, not doubt about it. Give yourself a pat on the back for making it through another day. The glimmer of a better day is there.
Love, Michelle
November 26th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I, too, am honored to be listed as one of your twitter friends and hope I can deserve that title and continue to do so. Please let me know if I can EVER do anything to make your day a tad more bearable and I wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.
jantallent
November 26th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
You are so right… you never get over the loss of a loved one… my Mom and Dad loved the holidays and while I think of them everyday… the holidays are really tough..
Hope you have a great Holiday Season….
Love your TWEETS…
Love ya,
Marshall
P.S. What’s a good ole southern boy gotta do to get on your Twitter List.. ya know what I mean… LOL
Twitter ID: marshallbailey
November 26th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Michelle,
Maybe I should not say that your beautiful blog made me cry, but as I say they are good tears, the ones that makes me realize how blessed I am and how much I wish I could be closer so I could give you a big hug and say, time to eat a chocolate, strawberries… and… maybe some icecream… humm wine? popcorn? some soft drinks is good too!! ……walk??? no way, pajama time, let’s tweet one in each computer… and laugh together with some funny story we can imagine … smiling at the thought…
Thanks for include me in your list of friends. You are for sure a friend I hope to meet in 3D life!!! sooon!!! Big tight hug, love, Lisi
November 26th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Janette… I wrote Michelle thinking Janette … ahhh brazilian nut I am
Maybe I should not say that your beautiful blog made me cry, but as I say they are good tears, the ones that makes me realize how blessed I am and how much I wish I could be closer so I could give you a big hug and say, time to eat a chocolate, strawberries… and… maybe some icecream… humm wine? popcorn? some soft drinks is good too!! ……walk??? no way, pajama time, let’s tweet one in each computer… and laugh together with some funny story we can imagine … smiling at the thought…
Thanks for include me in your list of friends. You are for sure a friend I hope to meet in 3D life!!! sooon!!! Big tight hug, love, Lisi
November 26th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
First of all, I was going to call you to make sure I was not doing or saying the wrong thing, I often do. Then I saw the thank you at the end and realized it was just my Catholic school upbringing coming back to mock me.
I am so honored and thankful to know you and your beautiful family, not to mention the bread with garlic, cheese, and sun dried tomatoes at The Mill.
AT YOUR WORST YOU ARE SMART, WITTY, HONEST, AND FUN JUST TO BE WITH.
AT BEST YOU ARE FUN, EXCITING, GENEROUS, BRILLIANT AND A GREAT FRIEND.
I love you (not in that “special way”) but still…
Maria
November 26th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Oh Jeanette! I have so many things to talk to you about, so many things I could say but here, on your blog what I want to say is you are a most inspiring woman and I am grateful, THANKFUL to have met you here and to get the opportunity to meet you next week. I so look forward to it.
You’re awesome!
(Ken said to make this from us both, so you know his thoughts are with you too. But it really is the more personal stuff I will write to you later and that comes from us both.)
November 26th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Wow. Took me a few minutes to form some words here. I’m flattered and honored to be part of your post. If I made you laugh, then I’m so happy. You are not alone with the depression–it’s something that no one needs to be ashamed of and I’m so glad you have the guts to put it out there.
I suffer from post traumatic stress from a car accident. For over a year I’ve struggled thru multiple surgeries, immobility, pain and sadness. I lost a great deal of “me” in the accident because I just couldn’t do the things I used to. It’s taken a great deal of therapy to get me back to my silly, happy self–Mr. Handsome in my life this year was just an added bonus. However, I still suffer from a dark day here and there—crying my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself or feeling uncomfortable around others because I move so slowly. I used to be the speedy girl in heels. Now I’m slow and methodical.
Life changes in an instant. My humor is both my protector and my therapy.
I think you are so great and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you on Twitter. It’s a little family there…amazing how people care, share and make me laugh.
Have a peaceful and wonderful Thanksgiving.
Cheryl
November 26th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Darling Jeanette,
I am honored to be among those you have mentioned here. I hope this communicates adequately… when I met you it was like the tumblers of a combination lock fell into place and the door opened to show me a true friend.
I will never forget those days in Haiti - the intense heat, the unimaginable poverty, the surprise of full, giving hearts. Just the fact that you were there says so much to me about who you really are.
Since then you have reached out to me in my days of fear and darkness, and given me hope and a “to do list” to help me along. Although the agony of losing a child or a spouse is unimaginable to me, I can share one thought I cling to in difficult times: it is not a dark hole you fall into and there is no way out. It is a valley you are walking through, and the pain will subside and the darkness will clear and the ache gives way to comfort…and when that does happen you can revel in it, because it is something to treasure.
Prayers are with you for a warm and meaningful Thanksgiving holiday.
I love you
Elaine
November 26th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Jeanette,
People are so mysterious. Never do we completely know the joy or the troubles of another, the way they do. All we get are little glimpses of who they are, why they are the way they are, what causes them to act the way they do. We see who they have been, who they will become, all through our own eyes.
Even in all your troubles you introduced me to Twitter, nudged me in better directions, asked for help. I have enjoyed all of it and like you have become addicted to Twitter and the Tweeple.
What I saw in you when we first met and each time afterward was a talented, quirky lady, who showed up with other interesting people in tow. I did not see the emotional distress. Perhaps you were ‘being good with company”, perhaps some of the happier times were showing through, I don’t know. And maybe I was looking for the “anything you can do to make their life easier.”
I am Thankful to Know you Jeanette,
Edward Philipp aka EdLovesSumo
November 27th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Dear Jeanette
I’m so honoured to be included here - and cross at the silly time difference which means I’m only now reading your amazing words. Fully absorbing them will take a while longer
You were the first person to welcome me to Twitter & you waited patiently until I got the hang of things - like the etiquette of replying to messages!
How I wish we could have a coffee together right now - and I do so look forward to our Tweetup in the UK in 2009. For now, please accept a very heartfelt, virtual hug from me to you.
Very best wishes
Louise
November 27th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Wow! I am so honored to be on the list. It was such a pleasure getting to know you. Hopefully we can do breakfast again - on either coast.
As it is Thanksgiving, I want to share that I am thankful for my friends and family and to able to include you in that list. 
November 27th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I give a cyber standing ovation for this post! Thank you!
November 27th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Thank you for your honesty, openness and generosity. These are some of the attributes I value most and why I feel honored to be one of your fellow twits. Being a twit has become my favorite social activity and it’s therapy for me too.
I don’t know about everything you’re going through, but I DO know depression very well. After more than ten years clean and sober, having gone back to school, graduated and started a brilliant career - I suddenly found myself bankrupt and living in a ‘flophouse’ in Vancouver’s infamous Downtown East side, barely one step from permanent homelessness.
I was there more than 8 years, still clean and sober but barely sane and lost in deep depression. I was that guy, the one who is sometimes talking and/or yelling at himself in the park or walking the streets.
Fortunately, I kept managing to find a reason to hold on. One year it was the new Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ series.. I just couldn’t imagine dying without having seen THAT first! [yeah, I’m a Trekkie too, like I don’t have enough troubles, eh? LMAO]
You’re absolutely correct, in my opinion, that it’s hope that can bring you back. It did for me. Not big hopes even, because I couldn’t believe in those then anyway, but rather just that little shimmer of light in the distance is enough.
Every day I saw the hopeless in the skidrow alleys, shooting up, nodding off and sometimes dying. No matter how bad I felt I knew that I was clean and sober and that, at least, I didn’t have to ‘come back from that again’. That one thought kept me clean and eventually was the first rung on my ladder out of the depths.
And hope is not something ‘they’ can give you either, you need to find it in yourself, but therein lies the genius of your daughter’s question. Can you see the light? I think that’s brilliant, no pun intended LOL.
I think I would often have answered “No” at the time, but I was looking for it. I didn’t want to die, not really. I just didn’t want to live if I had to feel like ‘this’. That’s what I really wanted out of. Somewhere inside me, I knew that.
I could go on for pages (can you tell? LOL) but I agree with everything you’ve written here. Again, thank you for sharing it and thank you for counting me among your friends.
I’m grateful for you and the many blessings you’ve provided in my life - and yes, Jeanette, you’ve given me many. Being twitter buds is a two way street.
Love,
Ian
p.s. ROFLMFAO
November 27th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Hi Jeanette
Thank you for including me in your post. it’s an honour to know you.
Your a very kind, generous honest warm and kind lady..well worth repeating
Homour is the best medecin you can have,,,a laugh a day keeps the doctor away!
Thank you for sharing the lovely photo of Sara and also the web post
I’ll dedicate the next blip song to you
Cheers
Mike
December 4th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Wow, I hadn’t even thought of it that way, but my Twitter friends really are a supportive community, especially when I’m feeling down.
When I was going through the worst of my depression, I actually avoided the internet. I’d seen people mocked on forums for talking about it or egged on like that young man who committed suicide and I was scared.
But I remember that e-mailing and IMing was a lot easier than talking. Sometimes I was so sad that I couldn’t talk at all and my friends made a world of difference through being willing to talk via IM instead of insisting on face-to-face or phone. I’d almost forgotten about that. I suppose Twitter is a lot more like that than a forum is.
Best wishes and thanks for sharing. I hope that more people read this and reach out to each other.
Btw, I’m @mrsmicah on twitter.
(Ian’s strategy of latching onto new things worked pretty well for me. For me it was a never-ending list of novels…and the next time I’d get to see my mom. I don’t think that’s what kept me alive, but it gave me something to look forward to.)